News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
the raccoons are back...
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