I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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