So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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