I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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