I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize