she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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