When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he fucked my hip out of place.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
