drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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