This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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