I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Found the puke drawer
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
