I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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