you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
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