hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
