There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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