sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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