Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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