The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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