her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
