when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
