Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
