On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
