i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
