Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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