I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
