She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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