my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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