my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
