I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
