I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
