my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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