my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Randomize