Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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