Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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