I need to stop coming to work sober
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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