Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
