i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
that may or may not have been my penis.
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