I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
