My girlfriend figured out who you are.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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