I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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