i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
