I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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