Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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