I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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