i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
