I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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