So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
