woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
