on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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