He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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