I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
