i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It's rum buckets o'clock
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
