Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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