evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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