The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
last night I used snow as a chaser
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
