cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
