i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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