Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize