How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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