I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
