Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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