So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize