i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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