Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
