I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize