I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
