When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
